Aug. 17

The Career Coach Is In: Grad School Juggling

By Tedra Osell

A few months ago, I just broke up with my ex. We have a child together...a 3 year old.

The hard thing for me is juggling between raising my child and going to graduate school full time. I am just so busy, and I feel as if I am not spending enough time with my son.

Do you have any tips for me?

This is a tough one, obviously. Is your ex still around and willing to parent and do you think he’s basically a good parent? He (I’m assuming he’s a he) doesn’t have to be perfect—obviously there are reasons you broke up—but if he is safe and willing, then it’s in your kid’s interest, obviously, to spend time with both his parents.

And what about friends, with or without children of their own? My son, at 2, spent most of the 9-5 hours at the house of a friend with twins his age who he called “Mama Krista.” I also called on my fellow grad students to babysit (grad students always need money, if you can afford it) and on my brother- and sister-in-law for free sitting a lot of the time.

Now, of course, I wasn’t single, and I had money. But my point here is to question you saying that you feel like you’re not spending enough time with your son. If that feeling is based on mama guilt, rather than on how your *son* feels, then my advice is to replace it with messages about what a great mama you’re being by providing him with lots of socialization and a circle of caring adults, as well as the good feminist message that Mommies Work Too.

Of course, with a recent breakup and the realities of graduate school, it’s also quite possible that your son is needing more mama time than he’s getting. For god’s sake, though, try to differentiate between what he needs and your own guilt, if you can: is he having trouble sleeping? Being suddenly much more clingy than before? Regressing behaviorally? If any of that stuff’s going on — and you can ask your pediatrician, by the way, what other signs there might be that your son’s upset — then okay, yes, you need to make more time for him.

How to do that? Start by being up front about the situation with your professors and grad school friends: you’ve just gone through a breakup, your son is having trouble adjusting, and you need to spend more time with him because he’s a priority for you. But your work is also a priority, you don’t want to be mommy-tracked, and you want some help with this transition period. Making it sound like a temporary situation, maybe a year or so, will help you and your colleagues recognize that this isn’t you bailing; it’s just one of those normal things that happens to everyone sooner or later.

From there, you prioritize. Since you say you “go to graduate school,” I’m assuming you’re still taking classes. Ask the professors if you can bring your son. If he can entertain himself with crayons and paper or quiet toys, then let him. If you have a laptop (or if a classmate does and is willing to bring it to class), you can plug the kid into a set of earphones and let him watch a DVD during class.

If he’s the obedient type, as my son was, you can let him leave the room and run up and down the hall if he gets antsy — my kid did this while I taught classes when he was 3, and he was trustworthy enough not to wander away from the hallway. Sometimes I’d set him up in an empty classroom and some toys and a movie and some chalk for the chalkboard. He’d come in occasionally and interrupt me, and obviously you don’t want your kid to be doing that at *every* class meeting, but once in a while is fine — or should be. Find out which profs aren’t assholes, but feel free to impose even on the assholes once or twice—it’s good for them. If the chair is a good sort, enlist his or her help and backing. Ditto your advisor. With them behind you, the asshole profs will have to suck it up.

If you’re teaching, same advice: obviously you don’t want your son there so much that he becomes a huge distraction, and if he can’t behave reasonably well — not perfectly, but reasonably — then don’t bring him, but I brought mine and let him run around behind me tearing up paper and throwing confetti while my students and I sat around the seminar table, and, well, as long as he’s quiet, it’s good for them to see that professors have lives too. If you can get the department to let you work as an RA rather than a TA, then do that; at least research is more flexible, time-wise.

Don’t go to unnecessary meetings. Feel free to bring your son to ANY meetings you do have to attend. If he gets antsy, take him out of the room, just like you do at restaurants. Anyone who doesn’t like it can kiss your full-time grad student single-mama ass, and anyway, it might help keep meetings short.

Create rituals. Set up a standard time, like say after you get home from class, to take him to the park for an hour. Let him play with the other kids while you sit on the bench and grade, or read. Or pick him up from wherever he is, pull a kids’ book out of your bag, read to him on the bus, and chat as you stop at the grocery store and walk home. If you’re driving, then play games in the car: rhyme words together, or make up stories.

For god’s sake give up worrying about the cleanliness of the house. If you cook, he can help; if you don’t, eating sandwiches every night is not going to kill him. He’s not too young to help a little bit with household chores — he can set the table, or get his clothes out the night before. And he’ll feel really grownup for helping Mama.

Finally, keep in mind that there are studies that show that working and non-working moms actually spend about the same amount of time directly interacting with their children. I know that when PK was 3, his father was the stay-home parent, and to be honest, PK spent a lot of time watching television all day long while Papa worked on fixing up the house (or surfing the web). The reality is that direct one-on-one time with kids is really only doable, for most adults, in small increments, and that the rest of the time they spend with parents is parallel time — just being in the same room, or being schlepped around on errands. And you know, really, those non-quality time things are actually very important for kids your son’s age: they’re interested in the world around them, and the more they see of it, the better. One of the best things about academia and kids is that there are no formal rules against dragging your kids to campus with you, so I advise doing that as much as possible. Remind yourself that you’re not only being a good grad student and a great mama, you’re also being a visible single, working, academic mama — you’re being a great colleague and a good teacher to all of us by not hiding away.

Comments

This is a tough one

I empathize with this student, I really do. My significant other is an academic and a single dad of a 3 year old. He is in a good situation, with 50% custody of his child, so both he and the mom (his ex) get a break. But I still see the juggling act he goes through daily, trying to sort out his schedule every semester so he can make it to day care on time and not spend 12 hours a day at work.

I do remember, though, when some of my MA colleagues at my past institution (I’m at another institution now working on my doctorate) would bring their kids to class. We all appreciated that it was out of necessity, and nobody ever remarked harshly on the situation, but it did often create a distraction (even if it was a distraction of the “how cute!” kind). Even in the best circumstances it often took away from class discussion. That’s tough in a graduate seminar style class that only meets a couple of hours a week.

As a full-time grad student, I viewed going to school as my job. And now that I work in a university office full-time and attend grad school on a part-time basis, I realize that in the rest of the world bringing your children to your job is generally not acceptable except in dire circumstances (last minute sitter cancellation, illness of other parent, etc). I’m not sure that bringing a child to class is really any different than toting them along to your job. Of course the age of the child and how well-behaved they are plays into it, as well as how size and structure of the class they are visiting. Please note — I’m not hating on people who do bring their children to class when they have to. But I don’t think it’s ideal, especially for the other students.

education phd student, big state school U, at 10:00 am EDT on August 18, 2008

Completely Inappropriate

“If he’s the obedient type...you can let him leave the room and run up and down the hall if he gets antsy” — in a world where children are stolen every day? you’ve got to be kidding me. And of course, I’m sure this won’t disturb faculty and students in *other* classrooms, or those folks in their offices on the hallway where you teach.

“Find out which profs aren’t assholes, but feel free to impose even on the assholes once or twice—it’s good for them.” This is completely inappropriate. And so if I am a professor who does not want a 3 year old in my classroom, or a fellow graduate student who prefers not to be distracted, I am an “asshole"? Very mature. I’m surprised you didn’t mention that most graduate programs actually have special leave programs that allow for such situations so this obviously stressed out mom can take the time to deal with her situation without getting dinged for it by the program.

I am a faculty member — I guess this makes me an ‘asshole.’ But I am also a graduate student pursuing further education, and when I choose a graduate program, I do it with the understanding that the classroom is a professional space, not an extra daycare spot. Havign a child in once in awhile is unavoidable when emergencies come up. but *planning* to make it a habit is ridiculous, and reflects poorly on the department that allows it.

Colleen S. harris, Assistant Professor & Librarian at University of TN at Chattanooga, at 10:00 am EDT on August 18, 2008

Oh and...

Also perhaps I should add that telling anyone to “kiss your ass” when they object to a distraction in a meeting is unprofessional, no matter whether in work or school. I have had to leave work and class to attend to various situations including my mother falling down and breaking her foot, family members being sick, family members in car accidents and all manner of things. I apologized for any inconvenience I caused, and did what I could to minimize the disruption to others. Being a working grad student single mom is a tough job, and admirable, but no circumstances give license to be inconsiderate then blame others for being put off.

education phd student, at 10:15 am EDT on August 18, 2008

Benefits of Grad. School

One of the great things about being in graduate school (especially in the Humanities) is that it isn’t typical 9-5 office work, and a lot (though certainly not all) of the bullsh*t that goes on in these offices is eliminated in the university atmosphere.

Yes, its important to respect the university as a place of professionalism, whether you’re a grad student or a faculty member, but in a university setting (for the most part) grad students and faculty members alike can and should rejoice that our kind of professionalism includes allowing for other parts of our lives to intersect with our work. This reason alone was enough to bring me back to graduate school!

Though I don’t have children of my own, many of my colleagues do, and when they bring them to class, few — if any — of my colleagues and professors complain. In fact, a few of us have commented afterward how wonderful grad school is for giving women these allowances. Had these mothers been working a *typical* job, no doubt the children would be with a sitter or even alone.

NewEnglandGirl, PhD Student at Large State Univ., at 10:45 am EDT on August 18, 2008

I don’t think this is a good idea...

I’m a father of two toddlers and a full-time faculty member. I, too, appreciate the sacrifices that a newly-single parent has to make, especially when trying to pursue a demanding career. Life as a single parent, it seems to me, requires that you impose on others more often than you’d probably like, and that’s just a fact that everyone’s going to have to deal with.

That being said, though, I don’t think this is good advice, whether from a professional or a parenting standpoint. Parenting first, since that’s more important. You’re saying that if this woman’s toddler needs extra “mama time,” she should deal with it by plugging him into a DVD player for the length of a graduate seminar? Or sticking him in the corner with some crayons? Or in an empty classroom, or running down the hall? How is that “mama time"? And asking a three-year-old who’s already stressed because of their domestic situation to take responsibility for household chores sounds to me like a recipe for frustration and power struggles, not reassurance and togetherness.

Professionally — again, sure, sometimes things like this are necessary, in emergencies, but personally I try to build enough flexibility into my teaching schedule that I cancel class rather than bringing my kid along. I don’t see the point of trying to teach a serious class with a toddler in the room. My reaction to this advice is, from a professional perspective, if you don’t want to be mommy-tracked, one thing you want to avoid is turning your childcare situation into everybody else’s problem. At best you’ll draw the wrong kind of attention to yourself (everyone will think of you as “the single mom with the cute kid and no babysitter"); at worst you’ll arouse a great deal of resentment.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts. If your situation is as described here, you might seriously consider switching to part-time status or taking a leave of absence.

Nathan Rein, at 10:45 am EDT on August 18, 2008

I was a single dad throughout my degree program

And I only brought my girl to class *once*. I not only felt it inappropriate to burden my classmates with the distraction, but I felt it unfair to the child.

My daughter has thrived on the activities and socialization of daycare, and if you’re strapped financially it can usually be found cheap or free (at the time I was not too proud to accept the public assistance with daycare).

I highly recommend allowing your child to have the fun and educational experience of a good daycare over being bored in your classes.

Matthew Hamilton, at 11:25 am EDT on August 18, 2008

Wow. I can imagine bringing a 3-year-old to campus in an emergency, but seriously, pay an undergrad/grad to sit with him for the 3 hour seminar! Leaving him alone in a room with some crayons may work short-term, but long-term?

Also, what about the culture of the department? My department is relatively laid back about people pushing their kids in strollers and working for 20 minutes on something, but if someone was bringing a toddler (perhaps this would be different for a sleeping infant) around daily, I feel like someone may have a problem with it. It is distracting to everyone, especially the officemates.

An earlier poster mentioned public assistance. Take advantage of it. Really.

Katy, at 2:50 pm EDT on August 18, 2008

I agree with the comments: bringing a toddler to school is unfair to everyone. A reasonably well-behaved school-aged child once in a while is fine.

On the other hand, one of my colleagues brought her (breastfeeding) infant with her to every department meeting, office hours, etc. and it caused no disruption at all. Sure, some faculty might have been uncomfortable with it because of their own issues — but the baby was quiet and happy.

Occassionally other faculty members would ask to hold her and I cherish the image of (male) faculty debating issues with a baby nesting in their arms. When it doesnt interfer in any way with anyone’s ability to get her work done, having kids/babies on campus is humanizing.

Aeron, at 10:20 am EDT on August 19, 2008

Hmm. . .

Having been an undergrad student when children were brought to class on two different occasions, I have this to offer:Your idea of “well-behaved” may not be the same as those around you. On one of these occasions, the child in question sat quietly behind his mother’s (the prof’s) chair, colouring or whatever, and we barely noticed he was there. On the other occasion (a different child, and a different prof/mother), the child ran up and down the aisle of the classroom, between the rows of seats, drew on the chalkboard, interrupted the lecture, and was generally a pest. Would I say that both of these children were equally well-behaved? No. Would the mother of the second one say that she thought her child was well-behaved? Likely.

I’m not a parent, and I’m not even sure I want to be one, but I can understand that things come up that are unavoidable. I was a child too, and I know my parents were sometimes stuck about what to do about childcare at the last minute. These things happen, and if you have to bring your child to class when his or her school or daycare is canceled because of bad weather (I live in Canada, these things happen a LOT), then people are generally tolerant of such things. Even those of us who are not parents are still human.

Now, as a PhD student who tries to view the university as a place of professionalism as much as I can, I’m not sure that using your class as day-care, and your students as pseudo-sitters, is really conducive to either a learning, or a professional, environment. Children are a distraction (just ask anyone who has stopped mid-sentence to make faces at, or talk to, or comment on, a baby passing on the street, only to forget what they were saying). They’re also children, and they require a lot of the attention we’re supposed to be giving our students in lectures and seminars. You’d never answer your cell phone and carry on a conversation in class, so why would it be okay to carry on a conversation with your child?

There are some people — people who are our colleagues, people who are our students, who genuinely choose not to interact with children very much for various reasons that the rest of us might not understand. I’m not sure it’s fair to call these people “assholes", just as it’s certainly not fair for those people to label you as worthy of being ‘mommy-tracked’ because you have children.

AM, at 11:40 am EDT on August 19, 2008

Sure, bringing a kid to class isn’t “totally professional” but you know what, I’m not convinced that every graduate program treats graduate students as adults, let alone professionals.

For one, we don’t get enough support or enough TA/RA positions here for families to afford childcare — nevermind single parents who have less income for childcare than the families often do.

Also, there are plenty of faculty at my university who think they own our time. I’m prefectly happy to treat my education as my job — it IS my job — but I am not willing to give up my sleep, exercise or family time. I think it benefits the whole university to see kids on campus and realize how hard it is to take care of kids while in school and living on graduate student funding. Maybe then they’ll start to think about ways to make campus childcare mor accessible and more affordable.

As a not-yet-a-parent, I say bring your kids. Sure, every class might be unreasonable, but life happens and people have to deal with it.

Livia_Augusta, at 12:50 pm EDT on August 19, 2008

From one prof/single mom of a 3 yrs old to another

1. There will be times you will have to bring your preschooler to class, do the best you can and apologize to your students for any disruption. Set him up with crayons or (yes some people will gasp) a dvd in the corner for an hour. This will not taint him for life and you can still monitor him. He may still interrupt but try to manage as best you can to limit disruption. If he is sick cancel class.

2. Enroll him in daycare/preschool to the amount you feel appropriate.

3. Enlist your own personal village of grad students you trust, family, colleagues that are relaxed about children and friends to baby-sit when you can’t give him/her your full attention — you can not do it alone. You will have guilt about this but take comfort in the fact that interaction with all these people will actually broaden his horizons in really good ways. When possible, try to have them watch him at home — I’ve found this helps with general anxiety level on the part of your child.

4. There will be those who will try to make you feel guilty no matter what you decide to do. Once you accept that, acknowledge sometimes exceptionally difficult situations can still bring forth exceptionally happy children.

5. When you lose faith – find other single moms. Take heart, you are not alone.

I do agree we should not burden others when we have a choice and I always hope my colleagues understand that I don’t always have a choice. It’s tough but doable. kids are not only flexible, they are amazingly flexible. He/she will be okay. As long as we remain respectful, work will be okay too. Last thing to try as much as you can: when you are at work be at work. When you are with your kid be with your kid. The more completely present you are in either of your two main roles, the more successful you will be in everything you endeavor. No, it’s not easy. Guilt will always be more your enemy then anything else. But take it from me – you can do this.

Drama Mama, at 5:10 am EDT on August 22, 2008

A FEW WORDS ABOUT DISSERTATIONS AND DISTANCE LEARNING

The most rigorous part of the dissertation includes the

Methods Section Study Design Research questions and hypothesis formulation Development of instrumentation Describing the independent and dependent variables Writing the data analysis plan Performing a Power Analysis to justify the sample size and writing about it Results Section Performing the Data Analysis Understanding the analysis results Reporting the results. When you enter this phase of the program, you are nearing the end of the journey. Given the difficulty of this phase, one often wishes they had previewed what was to come. Many Ph.D candidates seem to hit a brick wall and feel disarmed when called upon to work on the methods and results section of their dissertation. This is the point where many students diligently search for help calling on their advisor, peers, university assistance and even Google. This is also the time when the student asks themselves the question” HOW MUCH HELP IS TOO MUCH". Surely no one will deny that having your dissertation written for you is very wrong.

On the other hand, it is not unusual for doctoral students to get help on specific aspects of their dissertation.(e.g. APA formatting and editing) It also is not unusual for advisors to encourage students to seek outside help.

If you are a distance learning student it is almost essential you seek outside assistance for the methods and results section of your dissertation. The very nature of distance learning suggest the need for not only outside help but help from someone gifted in explaining highly technical concepts in understandable language by telephone and e-mail.

Distance learning, and the availability of programs, has increased exponentially over the last few years with some of the most respected institutions (Columbia University, Engineering; Boston University and others) offering a Ph.D in a variety of fields. If you are enrolled in a distance learning program, or considering one, you will be interested in reviewing the reference sites listed at the bottom of this page.

As stated above, many students hit their dissertation “brick wall” when they encounter the statistics section. Frequently, a student will struggle for months with that section before they seek a consultant to help them. This often leads to additional tuition costs and missed graduation dates.

If I were to name a single reason why a PhD candidate gets off track in their program it is the statistics and their fear of statistics.

So, the question is whether or not it is ethical to get help at all. If so, how much help is too much.

I don’t know if there has ever been a survey of dissertation committee members who were asked this question, however, I know many advisors take the following position when they suggest or approve outside help:

To a large extent the process is self controlling. If the student relies too much on a consultant, the product may look good, however, the student will be unable to defend his/her dissertation.

It takes a committed effort on the part of the student and the consultant (resulting in a collaborative/teaching exchange) to have the student responsible for the data and thoroughly understand the statistics. The day the student walks in front of the committee to defend, there should be no question as to his/her understanding of statistics.

When their defense is successful, the question “was the help too much” is answered.

If you are a Ph.D candidate and would like additional information, please review the referenced sites below:

Boyd Reference sites: http://www.usdla.org/ http://www.cgsnet.org/http://www.statisticallysignificantconsulting.com/

Boyd, at 9:50 am EDT on August 22, 2008

Misconceptions by commenters

The writer of the article didn’t say, “Screw looking for other solutions—take your kid to all your classes and the hell with anyone who objects.”

What she did say was, “Here are some things you can do. If they aren’t sufficient, then take your kid along to classes and meetings if you must or if you need.” That’s solid advice.

I would like to hear a little more from the commenters who mentioned public assistance programs. Can you give some specific examples and contact information?

John A Arkansawyer, at 3:50 pm EDT on August 23, 2008

So everyone’s empathetic to the position of single parents in graduate school, but no one has any advice other than “DON’T TAKE YOUR CHILD TO CLASS OR I WILL BE OFFENDED.”

Look, graduate school is place where work gets done, yes. That said, the vast majority of women in this country have children; the fact that it’s unacceptable to take kids to work is a *problem*, not a norm we should emulate.

And as a matter of fact, people do take their kids to work sometimes. And they do exactly what’s suggested here: give the child something to do to keep him occupied, or find a free room or someplace where the child can play for short periods. It’s part of how the world works. It’s time the people who are actually adults acted like it, and accepted that fact.

Tedra, at 5:50 am EDT on August 24, 2008

Word

“The fact that it’s unacceptable to take kids to work is a *problem*, not a norm we should emulate.”

John A Arkansawyer, at 10:20 pm EDT on August 24, 2008

Where is the support structure within the university to help parent-educators and parent-students juggle these demands? It seems that if they wanted their faculty and students to be productive and at the top of their game some kind of program should be in place to accomodate parents with child care durring class times, especially durring times when public schools and daycare centers are closed. Maybe a drop-in service between 3:30-9pm, staffed by students in education would serve everyone well!

km, from another single parent graduate student, at 3:20 pm EDT on August 26, 2008